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I almost pissed myself.
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Uncommon Nonsense
I wonder if I've been changed in the night...
23 February 2009 @ 02:21 pm
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for
a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded
thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was
shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
;
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that
we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then,
on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-literplastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes
- and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser,
with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of
humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you
must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about
the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it
on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then
I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have
no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was
music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I
said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down
at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent
when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors.. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded
thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was
shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
;
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that
we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then,
on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-literplastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes
- and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser,
with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of
humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you
must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about
the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it
on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then
I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have
no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was
music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I
said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down
at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent
when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors.. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
08 July 2008 @ 07:10 pm
I was going to do a story today. And post pictures to go along with it. But I'm not ready for that, not yet. Maybe next week.
We put Shadow down today. Rather, my mother did. I didn't make it home in time for the appointment. I came home, went into the basement, and another one of my cats was dead, boxed, in the freezer until we're ready to bury her. My mom wouldn't even clip some fur for me.
RIP, Shadowcat. I'll always love you.
We put Shadow down today. Rather, my mother did. I didn't make it home in time for the appointment. I came home, went into the basement, and another one of my cats was dead, boxed, in the freezer until we're ready to bury her. My mom wouldn't even clip some fur for me.
RIP, Shadowcat. I'll always love you.
31 May 2008 @ 06:34 pm
28 May 2008 @ 11:21 pm
Going to the circus tomorrow for the first time in my life...
::grins::
hopefully, this will be one giant step on the way to beating my fear of clowns, curse you It... ::shakes fist::
Up before 7am for the third day in a row tomorrow, too... and then Friday, oh Friday... should be an interesting day.
::grins::
hopefully, this will be one giant step on the way to beating my fear of clowns, curse you It... ::shakes fist::
Up before 7am for the third day in a row tomorrow, too... and then Friday, oh Friday... should be an interesting day.
21 May 2008 @ 10:40 am
I am getting my eyebrown pierced tomorrow night. Cleared it at work. Mother comes into town on Saturday, but hopefully will be gone to the wedding by the time I get back from work, then I just need to hide out until she leaves...
This is going to be tricky. But you know what, it's going to be worth it.
My hair is a fantastic shade of red, I'm finally getting my eyebrow done, and I have an entire day to do nothing but relax and read and sleep and hang out with Marissa and Adrienne. I think we'll watch Fern Gully :) Life without conplications would be nice, but I suppose it's always easier to think like this on a cool morning when you're sober (for once).
This is going to be tricky. But you know what, it's going to be worth it.
My hair is a fantastic shade of red, I'm finally getting my eyebrow done, and I have an entire day to do nothing but relax and read and sleep and hang out with Marissa and Adrienne. I think we'll watch Fern Gully :) Life without conplications would be nice, but I suppose it's always easier to think like this on a cool morning when you're sober (for once).
20 May 2008 @ 01:25 am
17 May 2008 @ 09:05 am
11 May 2008 @ 06:32 am
28 April 2008 @ 02:10 pm
I'm done living by everyone else's rules, playing their games and being their person.
It's time to create my own divinity, my own world, my own fucking life.
::shakes off the past::
God, it feels good to be me again.
It's time to create my own divinity, my own world, my own fucking life.
::shakes off the past::
God, it feels good to be me again.
27 April 2008 @ 12:43 am
24 April 2008 @ 04:15 pm
Yes, this is absolutely necessary.
What the fuck is the world coming to?
In other news, I'm working on a variety of mixes for the drive to and from Chicago. Behind the cut is what I have so far. I will be driving the majority of the trip, so I need uppity music, nothing calm (unfortunately). So. Help?
( What I have so far )
What the fuck is the world coming to?
In other news, I'm working on a variety of mixes for the drive to and from Chicago. Behind the cut is what I have so far. I will be driving the majority of the trip, so I need uppity music, nothing calm (unfortunately). So. Help?
( What I have so far )
Current Music: Me First and the Gimme Gimme's "Stand By Your Man"
28 March 2008 @ 12:06 am
My are my hopes soaring tonight... I'm getting together with Keith on Saturday to practice "I'll Be" for Tuesday, and we may sing "Wine Red" as well. I feel.... I don't know. I'm furious, I'm exhausted, I'm drained, I'm thrilled, enthralled, lonely, complete. Contradictory. I feel a great pressure, as though I don't have much time left, and I need to find that person and do the things that I want to do as soon as possible before the buzzer rings. It's a strange feeling, a sensation of premonition or paranoia, and it's unsettling. And all that I will ever be to so many people is Dr. A's daughter. ::sighs:: I don't know, I just feel... like I can't give up, because if I give up, everything I've wanted will be lost.
It's frustrating. I'm so tired, I don't have the energy to keep up this fight, this expressing and moments of clarity and despair and euphoria...
If I could do anything right now, I would go out and get a piercing and a tattoo, I just feel that it's the most permanent way to express myself, and it would be there for all to see. An idea I've been toying with: a half sleeve of Icarus. Thoughts?
It's frustrating. I'm so tired, I don't have the energy to keep up this fight, this expressing and moments of clarity and despair and euphoria...
If I could do anything right now, I would go out and get a piercing and a tattoo, I just feel that it's the most permanent way to express myself, and it would be there for all to see. An idea I've been toying with: a half sleeve of Icarus. Thoughts?
16 March 2008 @ 09:00 pm
So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
...you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive...
(stolen from a friend's away message...)
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
...you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive...
(stolen from a friend's away message...)
16 March 2008 @ 01:26 am
Enthused, afire, locked and loaded and raring to go...
Sometimes it's frustrating that these moods descend in the wee hours of the morning, randomly. I've been watching episodes of LA Ink for the past several days, and the fact of the matter is I'm finally comfortable and ready with getting a tattoo. So, I've got to settle down on the designs. I know what I want for my wrists, that's set. "Gnosis" in Greek characters on my inner left wrist, "Delirium" in Greek characters on the inner right. Stars on the front of my shoulders. And the backpiece? That's changed again... I'm thinking a blackbird. Maybe. I definitely want to do something down my upper arms, but I don't know what. Some kind of color pieces. Will come up with that later. But now that I'm wide awake and my mind is churning, I'm thinking something musical. Piano, musical notes, microphone stands... dunno. Guitars, if I actually played. I'm adament about not having something that I'm not involved with or personally invested in inked. Don't want to pose, basically. Stars trailing down my hip-bones, too.
Bah. This is the kind of mood where I don't require alcohol to be all out and myself in a bar or club. So after this episode of LA Ink, I will simply explode onto my keyboard and throw myself into music. But my hair is up in double buns, I'm imagining hair falls, and picturing myself completely absorbed by the scene... and loving every second of it. This is what I want to do... so badly...
Tomorrow... or rather, today... should prove interesting. I have a significant amount of work to accomplish, I may or may not get called into work, and then presentation practice and Jay is in the best kind of trouble for the night... :D
These moods... whether early morning or not, I wish there was someone around to share them with, everyone only sees me stressed or upset or blah, I'd like for them to see me this thrilled and ecstatic... especially Jay.
I hope this mood lasts...
(ps, work was interesting, Josh got really sick and went home at 9, leaving me alone with a book floor manager helping me.)
Sometimes it's frustrating that these moods descend in the wee hours of the morning, randomly. I've been watching episodes of LA Ink for the past several days, and the fact of the matter is I'm finally comfortable and ready with getting a tattoo. So, I've got to settle down on the designs. I know what I want for my wrists, that's set. "Gnosis" in Greek characters on my inner left wrist, "Delirium" in Greek characters on the inner right. Stars on the front of my shoulders. And the backpiece? That's changed again... I'm thinking a blackbird. Maybe. I definitely want to do something down my upper arms, but I don't know what. Some kind of color pieces. Will come up with that later. But now that I'm wide awake and my mind is churning, I'm thinking something musical. Piano, musical notes, microphone stands... dunno. Guitars, if I actually played. I'm adament about not having something that I'm not involved with or personally invested in inked. Don't want to pose, basically. Stars trailing down my hip-bones, too.
Bah. This is the kind of mood where I don't require alcohol to be all out and myself in a bar or club. So after this episode of LA Ink, I will simply explode onto my keyboard and throw myself into music. But my hair is up in double buns, I'm imagining hair falls, and picturing myself completely absorbed by the scene... and loving every second of it. This is what I want to do... so badly...
Tomorrow... or rather, today... should prove interesting. I have a significant amount of work to accomplish, I may or may not get called into work, and then presentation practice and Jay is in the best kind of trouble for the night... :D
These moods... whether early morning or not, I wish there was someone around to share them with, everyone only sees me stressed or upset or blah, I'd like for them to see me this thrilled and ecstatic... especially Jay.
I hope this mood lasts...
(ps, work was interesting, Josh got really sick and went home at 9, leaving me alone with a book floor manager helping me.)
15 March 2008 @ 12:00 pm
And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of this individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for that is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost.
- John Steinbeck, East of Eden
- John Steinbeck, East of Eden